But they cradled me, yes? (Poem)

I cry a lot
At least every 1-2 business days
Sometimes I plan out my mental breakdowns
I have time after class on Tuesday evenings but Thursdays are all booked
This world is full of a lot of hurt
Hurt that was blessed to me the moment I entered it
Hurt that was cursed to me the moment I said "Hi"
Hurt given to me as a gift, in a red paper bag with glitter
Hurt, I’ve given others as hatred spewed before love ever did
And it’s given me a trauma-filled liver
Kidney stones that make believe that some things will never pass
My central artery veins are all clogged up with things that lead directly to my heart
My head often forgets my rights and lefts and who loves me when I am weak
Even with my body failing and my head forgetting
It never made me angry
It never made me cold
It never turned my heart into a concrete statue, as if it’s something to be admired
Nothing in this world could take away my softness
My plush cheeks hurt from smiling too much
My heart that’s tattooed on my skin
The way that I always try to take photos of people when they are laughing
At least I know I got a real smile, for however short a time
The way I show up to class early but still tired
The way I smile as you walk into the room
A safe place to rest my arms
I am tired of carrying this
Sometimes I want to be cold
Sometimes I want to be angry
I want to shout and scream and have the hurt noticed
And sometimes I do
But my bloody hands will still hold you close
Sometimes a little too tight and sometimes just right
But I promise they hold you
They hold you




P.S. This was inspired by the Twitter post by @kreophagos: "The hands that cradled your face and titled it upwards to kiss your forehead are soaked in unfathomable quantities of blood." "But they cradled me, yes?"