"the one that got away" (Poem)

 I hate us
I hate that I know what your hand feels like in my palm 
I hate that I know all of your siblings' names and your mother loves me 
I hate that every time I enter a crowded space, my eyes still search for yours 
I hate that no matter how much I try to grab your attention now, you are always looking at her
I hate that I still know your go-to coffee order by heart 
I hate that I know what it’s like to pray with you and feel the spirit move 
I hate that when we get into my car, the only thing we can talk about is the weather
I hate that I can’t think of the rain without my mind sideswiping thoughts of you 
I hate that you remember the days we can’t talk about and the days we bring up every year 
I hate that you bring it up every year
I hate that I never got the chance to call you mine
I hate that I let fear run before I did 
I hate that I miss you so much; a part of me shrivels when you pass by and don’t say “hi”
I hate that “you’re the one that got away”  
I hate that I’ll never hear my name again come from your lips in the same way
I hate that you still approach me with love and kindness
I hate that every time I see you, a part of me knows it hurts, so my heart wants to punch you
I hate that I know your favorite restaurant, and I am scared of going by myself
I hate that your hugs feel like home, and I haven’t been home in exactly 366 days
I hate that it’s been a literal year, and I am still holding onto what we could have been 
I hate that every time we see each other now, we fall back into old laughs and hidden smiles
I hate that every time we see each other, I want to sit next to you but know I shouldn’t, so I don’t 
I hate that every time we see each other, my heart wonders if you still like (redacted) (you do) 
I hate that every time we see each other, I know you hear me
I hate that every time I hear your voice, my neck snaps trying to get a glimpse of your face
I hate the fact that “us” never existed
I hate the fact that I still want to call you mine 
I hate the fact that I still love you 
And while there are sometimes butterflies and soft smiles
I hate that I just want to know how your day was
I want to know why your eyes are puffy and what I can pray for 
I want to know if your plans today are the same plans you had 366 days ago 
I want to know if your order for coffee is the same 
I want to know if you think of me as often as I think of you