Letting You Go (Poem)

Letting go was never something I did well

I was always better at holding on

My hands have from rope burn from holding on too tight

I was always better at holding on to things that were already halfway out the door 

My fingers have calluses from things I should have just let go

I recently learned that calluses are just tough skin 

Skin that had too many things trying to penetrate it 

Just like you with my walls that I put up so high

You weaseled your way under my walls

Into the space between rib 13 and 14

Directly to my heart 

I knew that when you would leave

It would feel like an endoscopy

A part of my heart removed 

I was always better at holding on, 

It was better to keep things at an arm's length

I could pour alcohol on your still bloodied hands 

At least I could keep my eye on them there

I can pretend the alcohol removes the stain

The very stain you left all over me

Like fingerprints stuck in the middle of a two-pane window

I could always see where you were, but never clean you off 

When you left, there were no tire marks out of the driveway and no new scars to add

Maybe the calluses I had built up were finally being used for good

Or they finally dug their way into my veins and affected the very source 

Maybe the calluses wrapped around my heart like a snake with its prey

Maybe I’m like Pharaoh, my heart hardened after one too many bad days 

And if Pharaoh’s heart hardened with pride,

Then let mine soften with mercy and an unspoken love

Let the parting of our Red Sea

Be where I finally learn to let go