Personality (Poem)

I wish I wish my personality could pick a type

I wish I didn’t hopscotch between an enneagram 1 and 2 

I wish my Myers-Briggs test didn’t change every time I take it 

I wish I could pick between type A and type B

I wish I knew when to shut up 

I wish I knew when to scream

Because I am loud when I should be quiet 

And quiet when I should be loud

I wish I could hand-pick the parts of me that I liked

And display them for you on a silver plater and hope you like the taste

I wish I could cut off the fat of my heart and skin 

And throw it in the trash 

I wish I could pick a type

But my heart jump-ropes from who I think I am, Who I want to be, and who I actually am

I also think somewhere in the double-dutch death I am stuck in 

I am also processing how you see me and how I think you see me

I wish that every time I took a Buzzfeed unsolved quiz, I got the same answer 

I wish that every time I go onto Pinterest it would very loudly announce who it thinks I am

I wish I knew what color my soul is, how every time I think of myself it's a dark grey

Everyone I ask always comes up with a sunset pink

I wish I was more of a wallflower

I wish that even around the people I loved dearly I wouldn’t be so loud

You know, I used to be much louder

I didn’t know who I was so I was loud to make up for the fact that it was me

I was a puzzle full of missing pieces

Fill in the blanks without a question to prompt

Over the years I’ve learned to soften

My bumping into chairs, and tables, and whatever I thought was in the way just stopped 

My clumsy footsteps and stumbling over lost loves stopped

It’s been a few years since I was loud… 

My healing was at first just loud and now it is just evident