Poetry and Prose

  “Why aren’t you listening?”  “Do you not see the pain I am in?”  “Do you not see that because of this life I confuse hurt and love for the same?”  “Do you not see that I can’t go on?” I wail and ache I scream in my 2004 Ford Taurus  My heart calls out to Him  “God, please”  I turn on praise music on the drive home, but no praises come No hum of love No singing to the Creator of me I can’t pray… I can’t address Him as Lord when all I need is a friend  “God, why aren’t you hearing me?” “God, why do we have to suffer?” “God, why do we love the things that pass away?” “God, what are doing to me?” “God, please”  I pray to him anyway  I ask Him to be my joy I ask Him to give me peace  I ask Him to be here He listens He replies  “I am your joy”  “I am your rock”  “I am here” “I am your safety”  “I am your friend”  “I am your strength”  “I am good” “I AM”

  I hate us I hate that I know what your hand feels like in my palm  I hate that I know all of your siblings' names and your mother loves me  I hate that every time I enter a crowded space, my eyes still search for yours  I hate that no matter how much I try to grab your attention now, you are always looking at her I hate that I still know your go-to coffee order by heart  I hate that I know what it’s like to pray with you and feel the spirit move  I hate that when we get into my car, the only thing we can talk about is the weather I hate that I can’t think of the rain without my mind sideswiping thoughts of you  I hate that you remember the days we can’t talk about and the days we bring up every year  I hate that you bring it up every year I hate that I never got the chance to call you mine I hate that I let fear run before I did  I hate that I miss you so much; a part of me shrivels when you pass by and don’t say “hi” I hate that “you’re th...

I find love squished into the cracks in the sidewalk  It’s been spit out and stepped on  It’s in the crack so tight my fingers can’t reach in and grasp it I skim its surface and left aching for something more  Maybe that’s the whole point That this love that I crave is perfect and amazing, yet tucked away  So, as I continue down the side walk, I see strangers with sly smiles  A hoard of men ready to make me whole I wish they had told me that it only meant them filling a hole They open their arms, and I find my place in their imperfect waltz They hold me in their arms but don’t tell me about last night  I am constantly comparing my clumsy feet to other girls  We step on each other's toes and run into other people  Along the way, he switches dance partners I am left alone I want that dance partner back. I’m sure if I just watch my feet, things will work out  But instead, I pick up another dance partner  This time, it’s a tango It’s quick a...

Your ghost still journeys through London  Your spirit never left this house  I'll cook dinner and start talking to no one  I’ll ask a question  And wonder why you didn’t respond I saw your shadow at the grocery store The irises in the market still echo your name I got home and realized I bought diet coke I hate diet coke But you always cracked one open at 6:18 pm You said it was because your dad had one with every sunset I don’t think I could ever drink them Or give them away I definitely can’t return them So I guess they will sit in the garage  Just where they always are And they will continue to be here until your presence graces me once again You can still take your shoes off at the door You can stay around for a while They will be there for when you decide to come back I hope you come back

  Growing up, there was a spot in my closet, I barely fit it  As I got older, I had to move the shoe boxes full of mistakes to make room for my widening hips  I moved the tower of shoes that no longer fit, the identities I wish no one knew I ever wore I slid down the wall, a landslide of emotions coming with it I watched as everything shoved at the bottom of the closet escaped out the bottom I pulled it back in, all the garbage hidden from prying eyes My room looks presentable, my bed is made I squeezed my body in between the cramped space  I piled the garbage over me so that I could disappear along with it I never understood claustrophobia  The fear of small spaces I had spent so long making myself miniscule  That the fear of small spaces never clicked in my head  So when I met you, you grabbed the inch of my hand that was still exposed You pulled me out, watched as the garbage that covered my body fell down You pulled the straw wrappers of regret out...

I feel anxiety in my jaw  And embarrassment behind my eyes and on the tips of my ears  There is anger in my fingertips And rage in my throat  I hold lust in the palm of my hand  And fear shakes my foundation, my very core There is an inadequacy that shakes my legs  And shame that hides in the crevice of my knees  Happiness dances along the bottom of feet  And joy on the tip of my nose that fills my cheeks  Emptiness starts in my diaphragm and spreads out  It encompasses my stomach first and then my lips It steals my appetite and my voice in one fell swoop  My chest is the only place that remains unaffected My heart, however shrivels in its hollow cavern It is the only place where I never feel anything at all Just this grief that I carry with me every day And the love that flows through every cell of skin  The blood that pumps through my heart  My vital signs of emotion  A jagged line of which emotion should I be  It a...

I listened to the wind  I listened to the birds  I listened to the cars passing by  I listened to the alarms go off  I listened to the beat of the drums  I listened to the strum of the guitar  I listened to your sister's voice  I listened to my dad's singing and my mom's crying  I listened to the snap of a container closing  I listened to the slam of the car door  And the soft pitter patter of rain  I listened  I thought if I opened my ears and shut my mouth  I’d hear the whisper of your voice The hum in your throat   The sound of your heartbeat  Like a frog stuck in my throat  Like a head cold I can’t knock  I was sinking into quicksand, hoping you’d come and pull me out  You’d be so close, I could feel you  I listened for a fraction A second? A millisecond?  A minute? An hour? A lifetime?  I tried using echolocation to find out where you went  I chased skipped stones on t...