My first lament (Poem)

 “Why aren’t you listening?” 
“Do you not see the pain I am in?” 
“Do you not see that because of this life I confuse hurt and love for the same?” 
“Do you not see that I can’t go on?”
I wail and ache
I scream in my 2004 Ford Taurus 
My heart calls out to Him 
“God, please” 
I turn on praise music on the drive home, but no praises come
No hum of love
No singing to the Creator of me
I can’t pray… I can’t address Him as Lord when all I need is a friend 
“God, why aren’t you hearing me?”
“God, why do we have to suffer?”
“God, why do we love the things that pass away?”
“God, what are doing to me?”
“God, please” 
I pray to him anyway 
I ask Him to be my joy
I ask Him to give me peace 
I ask Him to be here
He listens
He replies 
“I am your joy” 
“I am your rock” 
“I am here”
“I am your safety” 
“I am your friend” 
“I am your strength” 
“I am good”
“I AM”

"the one that got away" (Poem)

 I hate us
I hate that I know what your hand feels like in my palm 
I hate that I know all of your siblings' names and your mother loves me 
I hate that every time I enter a crowded space, my eyes still search for yours 
I hate that no matter how much I try to grab your attention now, you are always looking at her
I hate that I still know your go-to coffee order by heart 
I hate that I know what it’s like to pray with you and feel the spirit move 
I hate that when we get into my car, the only thing we can talk about is the weather
I hate that I can’t think of the rain without my mind sideswiping thoughts of you 
I hate that you remember the days we can’t talk about and the days we bring up every year 
I hate that you bring it up every year
I hate that I never got the chance to call you mine
I hate that I let fear run before I did 
I hate that I miss you so much; a part of me shrivels when you pass by and don’t say “hi”
I hate that “you’re the one that got away”  
I hate that I’ll never hear my name again come from your lips in the same way
I hate that you still approach me with love and kindness
I hate that every time I see you, a part of me knows it hurts, so my heart wants to punch you
I hate that I know your favorite restaurant, and I am scared of going by myself
I hate that your hugs feel like home, and I haven’t been home in exactly 366 days
I hate that it’s been a literal year, and I am still holding onto what we could have been 
I hate that every time we see each other now, we fall back into old laughs and hidden smiles
I hate that every time we see each other, I want to sit next to you but know I shouldn’t, so I don’t 
I hate that every time we see each other, my heart wonders if you still like (redacted) (you do) 
I hate that every time we see each other, I know you hear me
I hate that every time I hear your voice, my neck snaps trying to get a glimpse of your face
I hate the fact that “us” never existed
I hate the fact that I still want to call you mine 
I hate the fact that I still love you 
And while there are sometimes butterflies and soft smiles
I hate that I just want to know how your day was
I want to know why your eyes are puffy and what I can pray for 
I want to know if your plans today are the same plans you had 366 days ago 
I want to know if your order for coffee is the same 
I want to know if you think of me as often as I think of you

Dancing on Sidewalks (Poem)

I find love squished into the cracks in the sidewalk 
It’s been spit out and stepped on 
It’s in the crack so tight my fingers can’t reach in and grasp it
I skim its surface and left aching for something more 
Maybe that’s the whole point
That this love that I crave is perfect and amazing, yet tucked away 
So, as I continue down the side walk, I see strangers with sly smiles 
A hoard of men ready to make me whole
I wish they had told me that it only meant them filling a hole
They open their arms, and I find my place in their imperfect waltz
They hold me in their arms but don’t tell me about last night 
I am constantly comparing my clumsy feet to other girls 
We step on each other's toes and run into other people 
Along the way, he switches dance partners
I am left alone
I want that dance partner back. I’m sure if I just watch my feet, things will work out 
But instead, I pick up another dance partner 
This time, it’s a tango
It’s quick and upbeat 
I am rushed into everything I don’t know how to do
He moves like lightning, not caring who gets struck 
I fall to the ground after tripping one too many times 
I peer into the sidewalk crack and see the love I deny I deserve 
Another boy comes alone to pick me up
He brushes off my dresses, He does the buckle on my shoes 
He kisses my temple, I close my eyes
I finally think this is the one
When I open my eyes, he’s across the street, grinding on a girl I don’t know 
She is also stuck looking at the sidewalk cracks 
I take a deep breath 
I dodge every hand that comes flying for my waist 
I ignore the pain of walking, my feet are tired 
The faces of men blend 
I don’t know where to look 
I’m running away 
I face plant 
People step on my fingers and back 
They don’t realize I’m there 
I’m stuck staring at the love in the sidewalk 

Diet Coke (Poem)

Your ghost still journeys through London 
Your spirit never left this house 
I'll cook dinner and start talking to no one 
I’ll ask a question 
And wonder why you didn’t respond
I saw your shadow at the grocery store
The irises in the market still echo your name
I got home and realized I bought diet coke
I hate diet coke
But you always cracked one open at 6:18 pm
You said it was because your dad had one with every sunset
I don’t think I could ever drink them
Or give them away
I definitely can’t return them
So I guess they will sit in the garage 
Just where they always are
And they will continue to be here until your presence graces me once again
You can still take your shoes off at the door
You can stay around for a while
They will be there for when you decide to come back
I hope you come back

Claustrophobia (Poem)

 Growing up, there was a spot in my closet, I barely fit it 
As I got older, I had to move the shoe boxes full of mistakes to make room for my widening hips 
I moved the tower of shoes that no longer fit, the identities I wish no one knew I ever wore
I slid down the wall, a landslide of emotions coming with it
I watched as everything shoved at the bottom of the closet escaped out the bottom
I pulled it back in, all the garbage hidden from prying eyes
My room looks presentable, my bed is made
I squeezed my body in between the cramped space 
I piled the garbage over me so that I could disappear along with it
I never understood claustrophobia 
The fear of small spaces
I had spent so long making myself miniscule 
That the fear of small spaces never clicked in my head 
So when I met you, you grabbed the inch of my hand that was still exposed
You pulled me out, watched as the garbage that covered my body fell down
You pulled the straw wrappers of regret out of my hair
And helped me dust off the dirty parts of my soul I thought I could never get rid of
You helped move all the garbage, shoe boxes, and tower of shoes back into the closet
I was finally free
The forgotten fidget toys, and the no longer used baggage long forgotten
I was too busy sitting on my bed
Talking to you, painting my nails, doing my make-up 
Your lies were dripped in honey, they almost tasted sweet
Your stealing of my heart, also stole the voice I had worked so hard to louden
Your manipulation of my confusion, almost took my family
I couldn’t leave
You must have locked the door after you had entered
I clawed at the window pane of happiness that gave me glimpses of the outside world
I threw the clothes of who I am onto the floor
The glass case where I kept my grandmother’s jewelry shattered in an instant
I waved at my friends from inside my room 
I heard my grandparents' voices on the other side of the door
I was trapped
It wasn’t a fear of small spaces, it was the fear of feeling stuck and being trapped
I finally understand claustrophobia

The Vitality of Emotion (Poem)

I feel anxiety in my jaw 
And embarrassment behind my eyes and on the tips of my ears 
There is anger in my fingertips
And rage in my throat 
I hold lust in the palm of my hand 
And fear shakes my foundation, my very core
There is an inadequacy that shakes my legs 
And shame that hides in the crevice of my knees 
Happiness dances along the bottom of feet 
And joy on the tip of my nose that fills my cheeks 
Emptiness starts in my diaphragm and spreads out 
It encompasses my stomach first and then my lips
It steals my appetite and my voice in one fell swoop 
My chest is the only place that remains unaffected
My heart, however shrivels in its hollow cavern
It is the only place where I never feel anything at all
Just this grief that I carry with me every day
And the love that flows through every cell of skin 
The blood that pumps through my heart 
My vital signs of emotion 
A jagged line of which emotion should I be 
It ascends and crawls along the floor just like my heart 
So maybe it is all in my chest 

Healing from him leaving (Poem)

I listened to the wind 
I listened to the birds 
I listened to the cars passing by 
I listened to the alarms go off 
I listened to the beat of the drums 
I listened to the strum of the guitar 
I listened to your sister's voice 
I listened to my dad's singing and my mom's crying 
I listened to the snap of a container closing 
I listened to the slam of the car door 
And the soft pitter patter of rain 
I listened 
I thought if I opened my ears and shut my mouth 
I’d hear the whisper of your voice
The hum in your throat  
The sound of your heartbeat 
Like a frog stuck in my throat 
Like a head cold I can’t knock 
I was sinking into quicksand, hoping you’d come and pull me out 
You’d be so close, I could feel you 
I listened for a fraction
A second? A millisecond? 
A minute? An hour? A lifetime? 
I tried using echolocation to find out where you went 
I chased skipped stones on the lake 
And every silver car just because I thought you were in it
You always said blue and red cars were bad luck 
I went down to your bedroom
I ran my hands along the dust-covered nic-nacks 
I sneezed
After that, I thought it best that I didn’t go down there anymore
I took a shower and cleared my head
I moved my body out of the house
I no longer waited for the headlights in the front window
I put my headphones in

I stopped waiting for you