Poetry and Prose

  There was no red string that tied us together In our past life, we did not know each other There was no secret mark on our skin that made us fate  There are no words written on my wrist telling me who you are There are no past-life scars that bring us together  There are no freckles pressed to my forehead where you once kissed There is no vein of my heart connected to yours I chose this!  We did not happen by accident I saw you and chose to love you I chose to get you honey walnut shrimp every time I go to Panda Express I chose to remember your favorite colors are blue and green  And not just because we have an inside joke about it And you can’t go to sleep when you're sick without a cup of peppermint tea  And one episode of NCIS I chose to get you strawberry melon revitalize every time we go to Beaten Path I chose this I chose to rub icy-hot on your back just so you could be a tad bit more comfortable  Even though I hate the smell  I chose to r...

After you left  I used your coffee mug every day for a week straight I thought about how washing it made me think you would come back After you left My body climbed into bed on your side  I wondered why it was so cold After you left I found a birthday letter you gave me, you sprayed your cologne on it I slept with it clinging it to my chest  After you left  I wore the shirt you gave me I think I wanted it to be my skin, so I never had to live a day without you After you left  I used your freaking toothbrush  Just so I could remember a fraction of your taste After you left I went to the gas station and stocked up on Berry Lemonade Sunkist  Just because I wanted to be reminded of you.  I hate Berry Lemonade Sunkist  After you left  I looked through our high school yearbook  Just so I could see your face and your name I already deleted the pictures, I am sorry After you left  I started dotting my “i”s with hearts  Just so I c...

Would you split an orange in half just because you know it tastes better when shared?  I hate oranges I’m technically allergic My lips get tingly  My throat goes a little numb  It doesn’t hurt But I am definitely allergic  But you felt like an orange  So I peeled back the layers of rind Just like you peel back the layers of me  And I split it in half I take off the pieces of pith that gross you out  I throw them in the yard so at least it’ll help something grow  I give you the half that has one more smaller slice of orange I give you the bigger half Not because I am allergic Just because I know you like them Just like I’d give Every blue Sour Patch kid The red, white, and green gummy bears  I’d refill your frothy barista oat milk without being asked I’d get your gluten-free Oreos every time we go to Walmart I’d order your honey flat white just so I was reminded of you I’d give you cookies when you're sad And let you throw Frogbert at me when ...

I cry a lot At least every 1-2 business days Sometimes I plan out my mental breakdowns I have time after class on Tuesday evenings but Thursdays are all booked This world is full of a lot of hurt Hurt that was blessed to me the moment I entered it Hurt that was cursed to me the moment I said "Hi" Hurt given to me as a gift, in a red paper bag with glitter Hurt, I’ve given others as hatred spewed before love ever did And it’s given me a trauma-filled liver Kidney stones that make believe that some things will never pass My central artery veins are all clogged up with things that lead directly to my heart My head often forgets my rights and lefts and who loves me when I am weak Even with my body failing and my head forgetting It never made me angry It never made me cold It never turned my heart into a concrete statue, as if it’s something to be admired Nothing in this world could take away my softness My plush cheeks hurt from smiling too much My heart that’s tattooed on my ski...

When Labrinth said  “I'm jealous of the rain That falls upon your skin  It's closer than my hands have been I'm jealous of the rain I'm jealous of the wind That ripples through your clothes” I understood in a carnal way  I too am jealous of the sun The way it kisses your skin leaving little marks  That should be me I am jealous of the water that you bathe in It turns your fingers into prunes I hope I affect you that much I am jealous of the snow That lands on your eyelashes It’s closer than my lips have been  I am jealous of the seat  That has the absolute privilege  Of holding you up  I am jealous of your blanket  It covers you when no one else will  It protects you from the things that go bump in the night I am jealous of your gloves It holds your hand when I can’t  Is this all this life amounts to?  Loving you and then grieving what we should have had? 

The place between your hairline and your eye, to the side of your eyebrow For all my devotion, it's a place of worship.  I press my lips to it and pray for us both My heart goes to confession as I press my lips to yours My mile of repentance is found in the baptismal blues of your eyes  My heartbreak vanishes as I pay my tithes  I redefine my tenets your arms wrap around me  My beliefs go out the window as your thumb traces my cheekbone  My alabaster heart cracks when you say my name My prayer bead-lined soul scatters as you break me My communion-filled stomach only feels full when I’m next to you  This cathedral of broken glass mirrors my trauma-filled liver  My incense-filled lungs rival the cigarette-smoked hotel rooms we stayed in  I sing hymns of praise that have your name in every line I kneel before you and sugar pours from your lips, a sweetness of our gentle sin P.S. I am fully aware that this is heresy. I am also fully aware that when lo...

I could fall in love with anyone Longer than mine dark hair and fair skin Buzzcut on blonde and even fairer  As tall at 6’3  Or as short as me They could love D&D and video games  Or fishing and shooting that 10-point buck  They could be addicted to coffee  Or just get a hot chocolate  He could have a king-size bed  Or sleep on a couch He could quote to me, VeggieTales Jonah Or Halloween with Michael Myers He tells me I am a Solomon 4:7 woman Or he doesn’t compliment me at all  My heart doesn’t have a type Or maybe it does  My type is the one who loves me like an addiction or not at all  My type loves to swim and then watch me drown My type plays music and makes fun of mine  My type is the one who begs for forgiveness but never repents My type is the one who walks down the road and stares at me the whole way down My type loves to forgive and forget until he’s pissed again My type wears a fake mustache and pretends to be someone...

My heart is clockwork and you have a few pieces of the broken wheels My heart is clockwork and so would she, and him, and the other person who left last Tuesday My heart is clockwork and I'd give you the key and hope you don’t wind me up too tight My heart is clockwork and I’d give you a little bit of grease and hope you don’t forget when to fix my gears My heart is clockwork and I wait until the untimely moment when you leave My heart is clockwork and I hope you don’t give too much grease all of the time in hopes of loving me well  My heart is clockwork, and just know I think of you at every 3’ and every 11:11  My heart is clockwork, and I hope you don’t have a fear of mechanics  My heart is clockwork, I hope when you see my hands they show an effort of loving you  My heart is clockwork, I hope you aren’t too startled when my gears grind against each other I hope you don’t jump back in fear when you realize that I am breaking myself by pushing myself too hard My hea...

In another lifetime In another timeline In another universe Why not this one?  Why couldn’t my love be enough in this one?  My clawing and gnashing of teeth wasn’t enough in this one And if that’s the case it will never be enough in any of the others In another poem, I quote tsunamis and teardrops  That my love can only come in two forms  But I will not limit my love I can’t afford to Not when this love is so… me This love is me A little too much all of the time A little too strong even when I need to be weak A little too weak when I need to be strong This love is me God, I hope that’s enough That my heartbreaking when I hear your name is enough That a part of me will always be searching for you  That I pray that every step I leave in my wake will lead me to you This love is me I hope that’s enough

I wish I could be poetic I wish I could make this life more romantic But instead, this life is just painful  Nothing in it good And I swore this wasn’t gonna be a love poem It can’t be a love poem Not when my love is all poured out Not when my love is all scattered like the beads off the necklace your mother gave you This can’t be a love poem Because my heart no longer shivers when I hear your name This can’t be a love poem Because my hands are still as cold as the day you left This can’t be a love poem because I don’t want to love you I don’t want to carry this weight in my chest I don’t want to be reminded that I can’t fold my laundry without thinking about you  I don’t want to love you But I do I still imagine your Irish Spring next to my Dove body wash Your mug still sits upside down in the cupboard, you didn’t take it with you I was doing the laundry since the first time you left and I found one of your socks I broke the vase your mother gave you, it shattered as I held i...

  In another life, I was able to save you, and don't carry this weight inside my chest. In another life, we look at the mix of socks left from the laundry on the bed and smile. 

I strolled into my 8:00 Monday morning class at 7:30 I looked at the spot where you used to sit  I wonder if God can see it too  I wonder if God wants you back like I do Is this emptiness normal?  Is missing you enough?  Or is it a side-effect of every day?  Do I have to sit here with this heartache in my chest like heartburn?  The acid rises in my throat, I swallow it back down I throw my bag onto the floor and sit in the hard plastic seat  My sunken eyes begged for tears to come but none did My professor walks in  How are you, Ally?  I’m okay Sir, how are you?  How can I be fine with that?  That there is an emptiness in my heart where you should take up That you phased out of my life like the city lights in the car when your 15 You were a satellite, passing over me with a flicker of light You were out of this world and now you are out of mine too The chapter books of our lives were intertwined  But the page you were introduce...

I play COD with boys who trash-talk both their friends and their mothers I play Monopoly with boys who like to steal from the bank and treat me like property I play Tic-Tac-Toe with boys who like to lie and manipulate  I play Minecraft with boys who build me up and others who tear me down I play Jenga with boys and hope I don’t fall apart when they pull out my foundations I play Hopscotch with boys who like to jump from feelings to nothing in one step I play Ticket to Ride with boys who like to pick and choose what they like (CAN I GET WOOD?)  I play Duck Duck Goose with boys who never pick me I play Fortnite with boys who drink shield potions and never let me in I play Kickball with boys and hope they don’t kick me when I am down for second base I play Leapfrog with boys who push me down when they are trying to get ahead I play Truth or Dare with boys and beg them to pick the truth I play Super Mario Bros with boys who totally do mushrooms I play Madlibs with boys and hope I ...